Here’s a brief timeline of what’s been going on.
In 2019 I was about to set off on something big. I’d made a route of my own and I was gonna hike it, knowing too well deep down I probably wasn’t totally ready for it; though I never have felt quite ready for anything I’ve ever done. Water security was questionable, I hadn’t been able to scout the viability of it in all the areas I’d marked on my map with unease. I put in my notice at work with a deep pit of terror in my stomach, but ultimately the excitement took hold over it as it usually does. I was going to try it no matter what. I had the cash, the gear, the map, and the will.
Then the fucking Coronavirus came along.
I watched it unfold and ultimately decided to put my hike off out of an abundance of caution. Then I had all this free time to think. I’d drive out to the mountains, I did a couple backpacking trips. Everything was quiet and changing, and as the years went on the fury of so many people came to a boiling point to the brinks of self destruction and I thought about all the kind people who have helped me on my trails throughout the years. I wondered how they were, what they were doing, if they’d been caught up in the chaotic hurricane and I just felt like I had to do something to offset the negativity. There wasn’t much I could do, but I found the one thing I could and I did it. It’s a long-term commitment, and I get to help people, but it doesn’t feel right.
It’s 2022 and in a lot of ways some things have settled, in others there’s a big existential question mark on the horizon. In a lot of ways I feel like it’s 2018 again and I’m on the Sierra High Route next to Virginia Peak climbing up the pass that damn near killed my dumbass. I’m holding onto the wall, looking at the vast landscape that’s been eroded through thousands of years of natural mechanisms and ultimately feeling like nothing around me would have cared if I’d slipped. More and more I’m feeling like it’s time to just surrender, let go of the cliff wall, and go back out to the wilderness again. Maybe that’s where I actually need to be amid all this in some way. Maybe that’s why I never feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be. I had a moment recently where I ave myself time to reflect on all this and I feel like I’ve been in a bit of a dream or nightmare the last couple of years, something I think a lot of people have probably felt too.
In 2 years I’m coming back in a big way, and I’m gonna leave a lot of the theatrics and grand proclamations out of it this time. I’m just gonna go out and do it.
Until then ultrarunning looks cool, so this is gonna be a running site in the interim. I’m doing my first one this Saturday with supplemental content to follow.